6 Things You Should Never Say To A Pregnant Person

I had no idea how ridiculous people could act when faced with a pregnant person.

Honestly, it seems like some see a bump walking towards them and they panic, all common sense leaves their brain and they end up chatting absolute rubbish at you.

So, for those who seem to not know how to speak to people once you’re aware of the fact they’ve got another human brewing inside them, I’ve prepared a short list of what NOT to say to your friendly neighbourhood pregnant lady.

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Picture of said friendly neighbourhood pregnant person.
  • Do not comment on their bump/appearance at all unless you’re going to tell them they look amazing.

If you think they look tired, that their bump isn’t big enough, that their skin looks like it might actually be flaking off or that they just generally look like shit – don’t tell them.

Chances are you’re right and they probably do look like shit, but they’re probably also fully aware of it.

Someone who’s probably spent ages that morning rubbing E45 cream into their dry, scaly skin and standing like a Tellytubby in the mirror assessing the new stretch marks that are appearing by the minute does not need to be reminded that they’re looking a bit pale at the moment.

  • Don’t regale them with every terrible tale you’ve ever heard about birth.

This one goes out to the woman on the maternity ward in the bed opposite me after Elliot was born, Who looked across the ward at this 20 year old girl sat, terrified and pale as a ghost with a newborn baby in her arms and said, menacingly “Have you had a poo yet? It REALLY hurts.” and then trotted off to have a fag, leaving me in tears.

Take it from me, pregnant people do not need your stories of your friend’s wife’s cousin who had a c-section disaster, a third degree tear and a failed epidural.

If they want to tell you about their hypnobirthing book they’ve been reading and the water birth they’re really interested in having – don’t shoot them down with “HAHA! YOU’VE GOT NO CHANCE OF THAT HAPPENING, PREPARE FOR THE PAIN!” because what does that really achieve? Probably me crying into my husband’s shoulder at 1am because I hate him for getting me pregnant.

  • Don’t touch them.

Don’t ask to touch them.

I highly doubt you’d go up to a non-knocked up person and ask them what they’re having for tea whilst rubbing their belly, so don’t do it to me.

  • Don’t make assumptions about what I want.

From the day I started telling people I was pregnant, I’ve had comments of “bet you’re excited for a girl” and  “bet you’d be gutted if it was a boy!”

There’s only so many times I can grit my teeth and smile whilst saying “all I want is a happy, healthy baby.” Really doesn’t matter what’s going on in their nappy as long as it’s not a massive shit that’s about to creep up to their neckline.

  • Don’t look at their drink in a coffee shop with disgust.

Honestly, I’ve had people look me in the eye, look down at my cup and then look back at me with a raised eyebrow and say “…I hope that’s not coffee.”

Actually, please do say that as I’ve thought about it a lot since last time and have found a better comeback than last time where I looked at them blankly and said “it’s….tea?” with a confused tone.

At the end of the day, unless you’re me asking in the coffee shop if it’s definitely decaf before I down my Christmassy latte – it doesn’t matter what I’m drinking!

  • They’re pregnant, not senile.

For some reason, people seem to be pitying me like my brain turned off as soon as that egg got fertilised.

I’ve had people at work pat me on the shoulder and patronisingly tell me that “it doesn’t matter, you’re pregnant so we understand you’re not at 100%” when actually they’re the one that cocked up and it was nothing to do with me.

Don’t assume I’m now only thinking about babygrows and breast milk because I’m a person outside of this pregnancy and I’m still capable of everything I did before.

Other than hoovering the stairs. I will hold my hands up and say I can’t do that anymore.

 

 

The Big Kitchen Brain Dump

My brain has been whirring with kitchens, worktops and different shades of grey recently. (Only about four, don’t worry this isn’t that kind of blog post.)

Our kitchen was not the selling point of the house for me. I know my time will come where my kitchen is the hub of the house, with a Rangemaster cooker and a dishwasher. I know one day I will peruse made.com for some barstools, and sit on them to eat breakfast before doing Elliot’s tie, giggling behind the fridge door at the amount of gel he’s got in his hair, and taking him to secondary school before coming home to load said dishwasher and then proceeding to sit and write my novels all day.

But that day is not today.

At the moment our kitchen can fit one person in it comfortably,. Two people becomes a squeeze and if one of those people opens a cupboard then you’d better start holding your breath. But it’s got an oven, a fridge and a kettle therefore it will do for now.

All pictures from Pinterest.

Above are some pictures of kitchens that are a similar size and shape to my current hellhole. Grey is the colour that is probably going to flow through the entire house, as I want a neutral house, I’m sick of magnolia and I’m not a fan of brown.

At the moment, our favourite style of kitchen is a modern, sleek, handle-less one.

I think it’ll help make the most of the limited space we have, even though the kitchens above are gorgeous with handles, I think in my particular room they’ll make it look smaller as there will just be handles banging you in the eye every which way you turn.

Our favourite at the moment is the Sofia kitchen from Wickes, I couldn’t decide my favourite colour but I think I’ve finally decided on Cashmere, below. We are going to borrow a proper cupboard door from the store to hold up in our kitchen for research purposes, but I think it’ll make the room seem as nice and big and airy as possible.

This kitchen is so white it hurts me. The owner of this kitchen definitely drinks decaf coffee and doesn’t own a spice rack at all. I want much more texture and some deeper colours in my kitchen.

To start with, I want a wooden worktop so that it doesn’t have that clinical feel that I get from the photo above.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Both pictures are from Wickes, first is Silver Grain and second is Mystic Pine. I’ve decided to go with #2, and not entirely because of the name…but mainly because of the name. I know there’s such a difference, it’s astounding what I spend my time deciding on.

Sink wise, I would love a ceramic Belfast sink, because that goes along with my Rangemaster oven and La Creuset dreams, but then I watched Elliot blindly lob his breakfast bowl into our current stainless steel monstrosity and I decided against it.

Instead, we’ve been looking at granite composite sinks, which is something I’d never have even known existed before I began my deep-dive into kitchens.

It is the true goth sink.
The Bluci PZ100 Compact bowl granite kitchen sink in Black.  A stylish look especially with the block timber worktops and single lever kitchen tap.Premium quality, composite kitchen sinks - Lavello Sinks

One thing that really annoys me about my current kitchuation (like situation..just trying to have some fun) is the fact that I don’t have tiles or splashback behind my stove, so any mess just splatters all over the wall and stays there forever more. (I don’t think the previous owners used proper kitchen paint on the walls, so there are curry stains everywhere and they won’t move. Honestly, disgusting!)

Green and copper kitchen tile #kitchentuneup #malvernpa #kitchentile #kitchenbacksplash #greenkitchen www.kitchentuneup.com/main-line-pa

 

Browse our wide selection of metro tiles online. #metrotiles #subwaytiles

This would be the dream – I’m so drawn to those green tiles! Think they’ll look beautiful and add a pop of colour to the grey units and worktop! I do know they’ll be an absolute pain in the bum to put up but that’s ~*~not my problem~*~ thanks, Reece!

White gloss kitchen with blue glass splashback. Come and see this colour combination in our showroom!

There’s also splashbacks like this, like a full sheet of glass or plastic or something like that. I’m not completely sold on this but let me know what you think!

With regards to the floor, we’ve currently got some rank laminate flooring down that ripped when we dragged our fridge-freezer into the kitchen when we moved in and also has marks and dirt on there from approximately 1997, and I don’t think any amount of Method Rhubarb Floor Cleaner is going to save it.

I have no idea what to go for floor-wise, I don’t know what would look best?

modern white kitchen with turquoise splashback         Hellas Marble Floor Tile - customer image

My heart is telling me vinyl flooring that looks like marble because God knows, I want to live my best Kensington town house, swimming pool in the basement, Tamara Ecclestone life in a 2 bed terrace but I don’t know if it’ll really go…

I need your opinions on flooring, now! Let me know what you think of my massive kitchen brain dump and whether I should scrap the entire idea?

If you’ve actually put up with this post then I applaud you, and you are cordially invited to the honorary opening of my new kitchen, a la Joe Lycett.

 

 

 

Things That Have Made Me Cry Recently

I’ve had a bit of a funny turn recently.

Everything became a bit much for me, as life occasionally does and I took a slight step back. Not even from anything in particular, just a step back from everyone and everything and just hid for a few weeks.

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Photo by Mikhail Vasilyev on Unsplash

Couldn’t even particularly tell you why, just that I am still anxiety’s bitch and sometimes will still succumb to its will.

It’s been a bit of a write-off, so I’ve decided to ease myself back in gently by writing about utter tosh.

Whilst I was taking some time off from being a member of society,  laying on the sofa and ignoring the crust of Cheerios and dust that was covering my entire house, I seemed to be on an emotional rollercoaster. Having an anxiety moment meant that I was living on a knife-edge and the slightest thing could have me tearing up.

And I thought I’d share the pain, because if I don’t laugh I’ll cry even more.

Here are a few choice things I’ve cried over whilst hiding from the blog, from my inbox, from my friends and from myself.

  • One morning, I woke up and decided I wanted to wear my dungarees. I got them out of the wardrobe, only to find that somehow one of the metal bits had come undone. I had no idea how to get it back on, no idea how it had fallen off and no idea what else I was going to wear. I sat there in tears before I realised a) that I could wear anything else in my wardrobe, including my leopard print culottes with the elasticated waist which are practically pyjamas and b) that my period had arrived.

 

  • Mrs Hinch’s Instagram stories where she videos herself folding baby clothes whilst We Belong Together by Mariah Carey plays over the top.

 

  • Reece and I started watching The Office US and I just thought about the Niagara episodes. The only time where Chris Brown can be played without judgement. It’s also Reece’s first time watching it, so I got to enjoy Jim and Pam for the first time all over again through his eyes and got a bit more emotional.

 

  • After writing that last point, I found the scene in question and watched it on Youtube. Now crying again.

 

  • Sir Terry Pratchett’s hat had it’s own chair at the Good Omens premiere.

 

  • At a seriously low point, I looked at some Father’s Day cards and an Ed Sheeran song came over the shop radio. I had to leave as I was getting a quivery bottom lip and it was actually embarrassing.  When I told Reece this story, he started laughing as I said, a bit wobbly, ” I just…people out there love their dads so much they want to buy them cards!”

 

  • I had a shower and listened to Someone You Loved by Lewis Capaldi and cried in the rain so no-one could see my tears.

 

  • I spent a week listening to Tell All Your Friends by Taking Back Sunday in full, on repeat, as I’m seeing it live in two weeks time. Teaming that with re-living the pain of Jim Halpert in Series 2 of The Office meant I turned into an angsty 15 year old. I have since stopped listening to said album and have remembered I’m a happily married woman before I start making bloody Piczo graphics of Cute Without The E lyrics again.

 

  • Elliot put a baseball cap on backwards and started singing the Pokemon theme tune at me and it was just really, really cute. The first time. By the seventh time that day, I was wishing for a Charizard to burn me to death.

It’s been a tough ol’ week, I’ll be honest. Onwards and upwards, I spose!

Favourites of the Month #3

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In this month’s edition of Books That Were Released At Least 20 Years Ago And I’ve Only Just Read Them Now: I picked up Survivor by Chuck Palahniuk in a book shop in Bristol. (EVERY BOOK WAS THREE ENGLISH POUNDS, I HAD TO!) I zoomed through it, despite the dark and slightly gruesome parts that seem to be obligatory in Palahniuk’s work.

It tells the story of Tender Branson, the last surviving member of a death cult who shoots to the highest pinnacle of fame due to this and how his entire life spirals out of control and I’d definitely recommend it.

I’ve also just finished My Sister, The Serial Killer by Oyinkan Braithwaite, which I found amazing! It’s set in Nigeria and tells the tale of a long-suffering older sister Korede who is called upon regularly by her younger sister Ayoola to help clean up her messes. I don’t need to spell it out..it’s literally the title of the book. Anyway. Ayoola starts dating one of Korede’s co-workers that she has a serious crush on, and she has to choose between her sister or a man.

It sounds weird but I feel like this story held a bit back. You have to work with it, and make up your own mind about the bits that Korede has held back. I’d really recommend it, it’s only a fiver on Kindle so give it a try!

I know it’s not technically a book, but I really enjoyed this article from the Observer, which was an interview with Phillipa Perry regarding parenting. I loved what she had to say so much that I’m even contemplating buying the book – and the last parenting book I was given ended up in the bin because it’s outlook on how to treat your kids pissed me off.

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We watched The Umbrella Academy on Netflix. If you haven’t heard of it, it’s a comic book Gerard Way (my favourite person in the universe) wrote about a decade ago. The plot is basically a dysfunctional family of superheroes facing the end of the world and it’s just so fucking cool. The setting, the music, the characters – it’s all spot on.

It’s also introduced me to Tom Hopper, for which I am eternally grateful. (I’ve linked his Instagram – thank me later!)

The Disappearance Of Madeleine McCann dropped on Netflix, and if I’m honest I’m watching it as I’m typing. I’ve heard differing reviews of the series from some saying it’s dry, to others saying that it’s all stuff we’ve heard before. And I’d have to agree with the latter, as I’ve read many an article and listened to many a podcast regarding the tale of the McCanns so I know a fair amount about it. However, if you’re into true crime and/or conspiracies I would recommend, but obviously it’s a hard watch for anyone – let alone a parent.

24 Hours In Police Custody came back to Channel 4. My recommendations this month are pretty hard going, haha as this series do not hold back. We’re two episodes in and they’ve been about rape and indecent images of children, so they’ve gone straight in with two intense topics. However, that feeling when they catch the bad guys is joy like no other. We shouted “SCUMBAG” at the telly quite a few times during the episodes and it was almost refreshing to watch some people get reprimanded for their crimes after the McCann series..

I’ve also watched Leaving Neverland, which I wouldn’t say I enjoyed but I think it’s essential viewing for anyone who liked Michael Jackson and his music, or anyone who denied the fact that he was a wrong’un.

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I’ve loved listening to The Tip Off, which is a podcast about investigative journalists and the process of how they found their biggest stories. I’d definitely recommend the Web of Death episodes about Russia, murder and money laundering. The fact that the journalists started to see people just sat outside their own houses sent shivers down my spine.

I’ve also really been enjoying Love Stories with Dolly Alderton, especially the Matt Haig episode. It’s a series where Dolly asks various celebrities about all the love they’ve experienced in their life i.e first love, everlasting love, unrequited. Admittedly, I haven’t read any of Matt Haig’s books but they sound absolutely amazing and when he read an excerpt on the podcast, Dolly ended up in tears which coincidentally made me cry. It’s deifnitely a must-listen and lovely for if you need something to listen to whilst you’re making the beds and dusting the banisters.

And I don’t want to get started again because I got carried away last week but David Tennant’s podcast is still fantastic. His latest one with Catherine Tate was absolutely hilarious. She’s my favourite character ever from Doctor Who and now I know she’s never watched a bloody episode in her life. Also, I really enjoy everyone’s surprise as they realise David Tennant is actually doing a proper podcast and he’s actually being serious.

 

Mothers Day Gift Ideas

Sound the alarm! Mothers Day is coming up!

For some, it’s full of excitement and joy – imagining the breakfast in bed you’re going to get and the presents your babies will have picked out for you and the cute handwriting they’ll scribble in your card with.

For some, it’s full of dread as it comes to the day before and you realise you’ve got Sweet F A to show your mum how much you love her. (MEEEEEE. I’m writing this realising I’ve got my mother nothing.)

I’ve listed a few ideas below if you’re really stuck for ideas – but don’t panic too much. We lose an hour of sleep on Mothers Day night so to be honest, I think it’s all a bit of a fail and I’ll see you all in 2020.

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Underwear from the overwhelmingly amazing Lucky Sew and Sew for the Mother in your life who is currently breastfeeding and keeps getting really angry about how their breasts currently resemble two heavy sacks of grain on their front and all they can do with these milk bags is fold them into an ill-fitting griege bra from Mothercare and they just feel pretty pants about the whole thing.

Get yourself onto Lucky Sew and Sew and order the mothering figure in your life some brand new undercrackers. All these bras are handmade to order so you won’t be able to keep this present a surprise – you’ll need measurements!

Raising The Future t-shirt in black from Mere Soeur for the Mother in your life who spends her evenings on the sofa scrolling through Instagram and only ever half-watching whatever you’ve got on telly. She probably missed half of Killing Eve because she was so engrossed in someone’s Marks and Spencers haul on Instagram stories.

Me. This one’s for me. I’ve already got this t-shirt but it’s in white which is always risky when you’ve got little ones. Even more distressing when said children are having an intense love affair with tomato ketchup. (Unfortunately whilst link searching I’ve discovered that this is currently out of stock but…give her an IOU?)

The Create-Your-Own package from Don’t Buy Her Flowers for the Mother you never get round to see anymore. You’re either away at Uni, living away full stop or you just haven’t got round there recently. Weekends just get filled up so quickly and you’re trying to declutter and you really need…okay, there’s no excuse.

This one is really meaningful as you can tailor the package to fit whoever you’re buying it for. And it’s much more useful than a bunch of flowers. (Although if you haven’t been round in a really long time then I’d recommend doing both. Best to cover both bases.)

The Book Date Gift Box - The Book Matchmaker

The Book Matchmaker for the Mother who has just started popping her kid into nursery for a few mornings a week since she’s started to qualify for the free hours but she’s trying to avoid cleaning the kitchen floor and looking for something more fulfilling to do than complete 15 levels of Candy Crush during an episode of Homes Under The Hammer. (ME. THIS IS ALSO ME.)

The mum you’re buying this for probably can’t remember the last time she read a book that wasn’t about a cartoon animal eating everything in sight. A Costa gift card and a good book would mean the world, trust me.

Faces Of The Strong Girls Club t-shirt from Mutha Hood for the Mother who is raising her children to be strident and powerful feminists. She reads Goodnight Stories for Rebel Girls to her children every night, and makes a point to tell her children about the Nazi history of Coco Chanel. She’s not here to sugar coat the world. But she 100% is here for displaying her feminism on her t-shirt in the form of beautiful watercolour artwork.

If you’re buying this for a mum who has a daughter then please bear in mind there’s also a mini version of this t-shirt available which would look SO CUTE.

 

Favourites Of The Month #2

So, somehow January seemed to last a thousand years and then February has been and gone like one of those nights where you lay down, blink and suddenly your alarms going off and you don’t feel rested at all.

Therefore, I feel like there’s been about three days in the month and I haven’t been able to ~ingest much this month. However, there’s still a few good little titbits I’d love to tell you about.

books

I’ve relived my 16 year old dream by re-reading Haunted by Chuck Palahniuk. Not for the faint of hearted, it’s a collection of short stories. Stories that are so gruesome that every show of the book tour ended with someone being carted off in an ambulance where they’d pass out and crack their head at a particularly vommy bit.

Okay, maybe I didn’t sell that very well. They really explore the darker side of seemingly ordinary people and just how far people will go for their fifteen minutes of fame.

Due to a stinking chest infection, I’ve not been able to concentrate on too many books this month as I’m either constantly coughing up gunk or suffering from a raging headache. I did manage to read A Discovery Of Witches by Deborah Harkness, which I had heard about since it was a show on Sky 1 last year. I had no idea what it was about, but it turned out to be a story about a vampire and a witch who fall in love ~against the odds. It wasn’t groundbreaking literature but if you’re poorly, or going on holiday and want something to read  other than books about beach-side cafes then I’d recommend it.

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We’re late to the party but have binge-watched Killing Eve in about three days this month. I’m wimpy so had to watch some of it behind a cushion, but what I saw I loved. To have the two main characters be female, they don’t rely on any men (in fact they kill lots of them) and the only character who mentions “childcare issues” to be a sixty year old man – it was amazing.

If you haven’t watched it yet, I’d recommend getting it in in the next few weeks. I have a feeling series 2 is coming out in the next month or so, so if you watch it ASAP you’ll skip that terrible feeling when you emerge from a solid week of living in a TV show and realise that you haven’t got anything to live for until 2020.

I’ve also watched Shane Dawson’s Conspiracy Series. My God, give that man a Netflix series already. In episode 1, he looks at the California fires that happened last year and whether our phones are listening to us all the time. Episode 2 looks at his friend who suspects they were being groomed for human trafficking (!!!) and whether Chuck E Cheese recycles left over pizzas. Note: you WILL order Pizza Hut after watching this, it really sells greasy pizza to you.

We’ve also watched Russian Doll on Netflix which is amazing. It’s basically the idea of Groundhog Day but it’s absolutely piss your pants funny. I also think it’s going to be a series we watch and then go on Reddit, realise there are loads of Easter Eggs and then go back and watch it again with new eyes.

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If you know me, then you’ll know how weird I get about David Tennant. It’s a stage of weird that 15 year old’s normally have for members of All Time Low. So I’ll try and hold it back whilst I tell you about his podcast.

Right.

That guy who’s kinda cool and Scottish and was the best Doctor in the history of Doctor Who and also played Casanova in that hilariously campy TV special and was also in Broadchurch where he just said the word MURDER in a Scottish accent, God he’s a great actor isn’t he, and did you see that video on Youtube where he got the special award at the NTA’s and he was just so happy and proud and cried when his dad was on the screen and have you seen his eyes? They’re so DREAMY.

Sorry.  Sorry.

Uh…David Tennant has a podcast out called David Tennant Does A Podcast With… and the episode with Olivia Colman is fantastic – you can tell they’re the best of friends and you feel you’re there laughing along with them. And in case you couldn’t tell, I’d happily listen to DT (as his friends on the podcast call him, don’t ya know) read out his shopping list. Definitely listen.

I’ve also been enjoying Last Podcast On The Left as usual, but a particular episode of note was Episode 351 which was about Ouija Boards. If you’re like me and love ~spooky shit then I’d definitely recommend.

There’s a whole world out there past the stories your Nan tells you about when she used a ouija board with her friend Bev and then the next morning she came down and found all the spoons mysteriously on the kitchen floor and all the photo frames of Great-Aunt Lynne upside down on the walls.

What have you been reading/watching/listening to? Let me know in the comments!

 

Dry January

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I’ve been drinking to the point of no return for as long as I can remember.

Passing out in the snow at the age of 16 in front of the boy I had a crush on. Being shoved into a taxi at University and waking up the next morning with no recollection of what club I’d even been taken out of. Even this New Years Eve, I don’t remember anything past half midnight.

For years, it was all fun and games (sort of) but recently I’ve realised that I really struggle to go to an event or a party without having a drink in my hand.

I decided that this year I was going to not drink for at least the entirety of January. For some, that might not sound like much of a feat but over Christmas, I drank a lot.

To be honest, for most of the year, an evening would consist of sitting in front of the telly with a rum and coke.

I think my body needs a break.

It runs into my blog post that I wrote earlier this month about how my word for the new year is brave.

And it’s definitely a challenge to go against my own routine and stop drinking for a month, or longer.

I don’t go out often, so it’s not like I have to sit there in the pub every Saturday night watching everyone else get bladdered whilst I sip a cup of tea.

We went out the other weekend to see Enter Shikari and we went to Nandos beforehand and I had a Coke and watched Reece have a cider. When we got to the venue, I used my friend’s O2 Priority and got two Pepsi Max’s for the price of one and then that was me sorted for the evening.

To be honest, I could tell the difference between my drinks being alcoholic or not. I was very nervous and quite shy, which is definitely not me after a few vodkas. I have also been known to get carried away at a gig and end up somewhere near the front being elbowed in the head but this time was different.

I was quite happy to stand at the back and enjoy the show. I’d also had a filling the day before, so was okay with the idea of rubbing Bonjela into my gums instead of throwing back shots of Jager.

And the fact that I woke up the next morning without the deep thumping headache that I’d become accustomed to after an child-free evening. That was quite nice.

To be truthful, I’ve really enjoyed being alcohol-free this January and I think I’m going to turn it into Dry February and possibly Dry March.

Although, we did get a LOT of gin for Christmas and we’re going away for our anniversary in March so surely I can have a celebratory cocktail for that.

I think I’m going to just take the next few months as a lesson in moderation.

Can I have one cocktail on my anniversary without having to be carried home? Can I have a vodka and lemonade at a gig without having a fight with a complete stranger? Will people stop asking me if I’m pregnant every time I reach for a glass of water instead of champagne when at a ~social function?

I’m hoping I’ll find out over the next few months.

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