Today I want to celebrate with you all as we wave goodbye to January, the month that has lasted 37,000 years and everything that she holds. Bring on February, bring on Valentine’s Day and PANCAKES.
Things that have made January absolute dog shit and should be forgotten about as we move into the real year that begins on 1st February.
The whole Piers Morgan sausage roll debate. I can’t think of anyone in life who actually likes Piers Morgan. I eat meat yet am actively searching out a Greggs that sells the vegan sausage rolls so I can eat one and enjoy it in a small action of “fuck you!” to that piece of ham.
That really cute dog died. I KNOW. And what made it even worse was that The Really Cute Dog died of a broken heart because his best friend died about a year ago! What a terrible start to the year.
Brexit. Shouldn’t have even made it into 2019. NEXT.
People who couldn’t understand why others were doing Dry January and had to post snidey pictures about how much they love prosecco all the time. No-one cares about your slightly moist January.
The fact that Mrs Hinch has been famous for about six months and I still haven’t been able to buy my own Minkeh. This is a niche one but for those that get it, they’ll GET IT. I’m really sad and cannot fully commit to cleaning my house until I own one.
Local Facebook groups where everyone is racist. Really makes you want to pack up and move somewhere nice and liberal. And then you start thinking about Brexit again. And then you start grumbling about how it’s still Dry January and you could really do with a drink. And the cycle goes on forever.
Things that will get us through. Trudging through life one day at a time.
I remembered the other day I have churros in my freezer that I bought for Christmas and never ate. There’s always a silver lining. And I’ve got two: a packet of caramel churros and a packet of chocolate ones too!
Ariana Grande is really living for us all right now. I even bought a t-shirt with “thank u, next” written on it. I’ve not even got an ex, I’ve been with Reece since I was 15 years old yet you’d better believe I am in the shower screaming how grateful I am.
Brendon Urie is out there right now, living his life. Just think about how gorgeous he is and that’ll get you through the cold winter nights.
I have forgotten skinny jeans. I’m now living my life in a pair of leopard print culottes that I had to double check weren’t pyjamas when I bought them because they’re so ffff’in dreamy. I recommend that you do the same.
Somewhere in your house, you’ve forgotten about a pack of Christmas chocolate and/or biscuits. Let’s not talk about the tub at work that’s full of Bounty’s and shame. I was moving some of Elliot’s Christmas presents the other day and found a box of M&S chocolate biscuits. God bless me.
So as we say goodbye to this god-forsaken month; raise your glass of cheap prosecco high (I’m doing dry February as well, because I love pain so I’ll have a cuppa tea) and let’s celebrate being one step closer to leaving the EU!
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